


We'll make pretend that you and me, lived ever after happily.

by 50_shades_of_weird



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky didn't fall, Don't hate Alice she is just there for drama, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pining, Post WW2, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve has self-esteem issues, Suicide, They have army pensions so they can afford a two bedroom apartment, bucky is oblivious, my wonderful beta apparently cried while editing this, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 18:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4316031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50_shades_of_weird/pseuds/50_shades_of_weird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the line breaks and there is no continuing.</p><p>(Title shamelessly stolen from a Twenty One Pilots song)</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll make pretend that you and me, lived ever after happily.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story listening to these songs:  
> My Kind of Man. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOvIQz9dizk  
> Remember Everything https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Djm3aqUc1-0  
> Hurt https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ahHWROn8M0  
> and It's Okay to not be okay https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH6-rGPE8tc
> 
> This story was edited by the lovely Grace and you can find her at http://dempartypeople.tumblr.com She's great really.

You can’t breathe, you haven’t been able to for a long time, but that’s alright because how are you supposed to breathe when it feels like your lungs don’t know how to work? Your reflection doesn’t look like you, the man looking back at you is a 6'2 powerhouse created from a test tube. What happened to the five foot nothing boy who never knew when to shut his mouth? The one that Bucky chose to spend all his time with? The man looking back at you is not him and it’s pretty evident that he isn’t enough. Not enough for him.

+

 

He comes home again, slightly tipsy and smelling like one of the girls from the bar. He smiles at you as always and you smile back like nothing is wrong and you pray to God that he doesn’t see through your lies, but he does anyway and his grin falls. 

“What’s wrong, Steve?” He asks you. The concern evident in his eyes, his voice thick with worry. 

“Nothing. I’m fine.” you lie and he just looks at you. 

“Come on Stevie. I’m your best friend, I can alway tell when you’re lying. What’s really wrong?” His concern is that of an older brother. That’s the problem isn’t? You don’t want him to be your best friend, but you can’t tell him that, he’ll hate you. He’d think you are disgusting and vile. He wouldn’t look at you the same way and you couldn’t have him look at you like that, so you just don’t tell him. 

“Nothing is wrong. I just didn’t sleep well. It’s really nothing to worry about. I promise it’ll be fine. I just need some more rest.” He didn’t look convinced. 

“Seriously Buck, I’m okay. Tell me about how your date went.” 

The worry drains from Bucky’s eyes and his face lights up as he tells you all about the ‘beautiful dame who let him kiss her tonight’. It didn’t matter that with each word Bucky let out, you feel your heart drop further. As long as Bucky is happy, then you could deal with the heartache. Besides, boys like Bucky deserved happy endings. Boys like you deserve pain and sadness. 

Bucky asks you about your day before biding you goodnight and going into his room. You hear him settling down for the night and decide that you should too. Captain America can’t have dark circles. It’s bad form. 

+

He’s been coming home later and later, but it’s fine because you breathe a bit better knowing that he’s having fun. Knowing that he’s enjoying himself makes it easier to accept that it’ll never be. It’s a cold night in December when he comes home with lipstick stain his cheek and a smile as big as Texas on his face. You’re almost asleep when he calls out to you to wake you up.

“Steve wake up! I need to tell you something.” He almost trips in his hast to get to you, but he rights himself and shakes your shoulder. You open your eyes to find his intently staring at you. 

“What is it Bucky?”

“I’m getting married.” You stop breathing for awhile, but when he starts to look at you funny you force a grin just as large as his on your face.

“That’s great Bucky. I’m real happy for you. What’s her name again? Ashley? Addison?”

He frowned for a second before answering you.

“Alice actually. You met her a couple times.”

“Oh yes I remember now.” You tell him and the smile is back in place.

“You’ll be my best man right? Can’t have my wedding without my best friend next to me.”

“Of course I will be. Anything for you Bucky.” He leaves your room after telling you all about how he proposed to Alice. You smile through all of it, nodding at appropriate times despite feeling like your insides were being torn out. 

You listen for his door to close and once you’re sure that he is asleep, you get up and begin quietly drawing. When you look down you see a tear stained picture of a life that could never be. You’ll never be want he wants.

+

When he leaves the next day for work you go down to the local store and pick up a few boxes. You have the majority of your things packed up when he comes back. He asks you what you had been up to all day and you just smile and tell him the usual. He asks you if you’ll paint him a portrait of him and his soon to be bride. You find yourself agreeing even though the thought makes you want to throw up. He grins up at you and you smile through the pain. If it makes him happy, then you’ll get over the pain. He goes into him room and you continue to pack up your things. 

+

It’s Bucky’s wedding day and you stand dutifully next to him. The feeling of hatred for her and yourself rising by the minute. “Why can’t I just be normal?” You think to yourself. “What makes her so special?” You get so lost in thought that you didn’t even realize the wedding had started until Bucky asks you for the rings. You hand them to him and he smiles. You smile back and he turns back to the blushing bride. The ceremony continues without a hitch and soon enough the priest is announcing Mr. and Mrs. James Barnes. 

You leave the reception early and head back to the apartment. You fall into your bed and bury your head into the pillow. Hot tears soak the fabric, but you couldn’t care less. It’s almost 3 in the morning when you hear giggling and quiet whispers. All you can do is pull the pillow over your ears and let your tears drown the noises of the bed creaking. 

The next morning Bucky tells you that you can stay as long as you want to. That he’s not going to kick you out of your own home, but that thought is not appealing. This apartment hasn’t been your home for a while now. You just smile and thank him.

+

A week passes before you’re able to find your own apartment. It’s sketchy and the electricity is shotty at best, but it’s better than living with Bucky and Alice and it’s all you could afford. Seeing them be so lovely dovey with each other hurts in ways that you cannot even being to explain, but he’s happy and it’ll all be over soon. He’ll be too absorbed in her to even notice that you aren’t there anymore. 

+

You go to visit Bucky one day for lunch. When he asks you how you are you put on a great big smile and say that you have been fine. You can’t let him find out what you’ve been planning. He’ll try to stop you and you can’t have that. He tells you about when his honeymoon is. Before he goes back to work he pulls you into a hug. 

“I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal. I love you Steve. Don’t forget that alright?” 

You nod at him.

“I love you too Bucky.” 

Although he thinks that you mean brotherly love. It fells good to finally say it. He seems happy and you’re finally able to breathe again and really that’s all you want.

+

You wait until they’ve gone on their honeymoon to a place where no one can contact them. You sit in your bathtub, handgun clinched tightly in one hand. You’re wearing Bucky’s sweater, the one you managed to take without him noticing. It still smells faintly of him and you smile when you inhale his scent. 

You make sure that you’ll leave the landlady with as little to deal with as possible. You want to be gone and in the ground before he gets back. You’ve already made arrangements with the funeral home, you kept your items packed so she wouldn’t have to, and you wrote everyone that needed to know “why” a letter. You set up for Peggy to come get you at 7 and it was already 6:00 so you need to do this soon. 

You thought that staring death in the eye would have been scarier than it was, but all you can think about is Bucky. His hair, his eyes, his smile. You think back to when you both were children running around and holding hands. Your mother’s gentle voice floating through the apartment as she made dinner while you and Bucky sat and drew pictures. The thoughts fill you with a warm feeling of childhood, innocence and love and you think that this will be easier than you thought.

+

You count to three, press the gun to your temple. You hope that Bucky understands because sometimes the line breaks and there is no continuing. You hold your breath and pull the trigger.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I've written in a long time and the first I've written for Bucky/Steve so be gentle please.


End file.
